


lovelost

by sciencebluefeelings



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Domestic, Dubious Consent, Exes, M/M, Multi, Sex Pollen, Webcam/Video Chat Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:22:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29502654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencebluefeelings/pseuds/sciencebluefeelings
Summary: Jim and Sulu used to date. That was a long time ago.Jim used to love Sulu. He realizes he’s never stopped loving him.Jim wants to hate Sulu’s husband. He falls in love with him too instead, because Jim is an idiot and the universe sucks.
Relationships: Ben Sulu/Hikaru Sulu, James T. Kirk/Ben Sulu/Hikaru Sulu, James T. Kirk/Hikaru Sulu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	lovelost

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dspd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dspd/gifts), [OnlySlightlyObsessed1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlySlightlyObsessed1/gifts).



> Special thanks to [@Amada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dspd) and [@Yikeslet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlySlightlyObsessed1)! This fic wouldn't be possible without you both.

Jim watches Hikaru disembark the _Enterprise_ to step onto the cool floors of Yorktown. He hates to admit to himself, but he’s been watching Hikaru more often recently, and Jim has no doubt for the reason Hikaru’s had an extra spring in his step, happily humming as he adjusted the pilot controls.

Hikaru rushes from the starport exitway straight towards his daughter and husband. Jim watches the emotional reunion, unable to tear his eyes away. Hikaru’s husband says something, and then Hikaru is looking back at him. Jim’s stomach plummets. He’s always hated to play the gentleman, the good-natured ex and responsible captain. He is so tired right now, he’s not sure if he can keep all his messy feelings in check. He never should’ve disembarked from the safety of the ship.

Jim puts on his best face as Hikaru and his husband approach. “Captain,” Hikaru’s husband greets him.

Jim shakes his hand. “Hi, Ben. Nice to see you again.”

Ben’s smile is unwavering. “So, last night I heard from Hikaru that you were planning to stay on the _Enterprise_?”

Jim shrugs and lets go of his hand. “It’s my home. Besides, I got no other plans.”

“Why don’t you stay with us?” Ben urges.

Jim laughs and hopes it doesn’t sound too wooden. “I really appreciate that offer.”

Hikaru raises an eyebrow at Jim, still holding Demora in his arms. “You don’t think Ben’s being serious?”

Jim presses his lips together, sheepish but amused that Hikaru was able to read him so easily. Then he nearly startles when Ben reaches out to grasp his elbow. Ben’s mellow voice takes on a quietly authoritative tone. “You're not my superior officer, so I’m ordering you to come share a home-cooked meal with us.”

Jim is so surprised he can’t say anything in retort. He looks from Ben to Hikaru, who just smirks. “He’s always like this,” Hikaru says. “Get used to it.”

“God,” Jim laughs. “Well, I guess I’d better come with you, then.”

Jim tosses together an overnight bag of clothing lying around his private quarters before beaming back down to meet Hikaru and Ben. Demora grasps Jim’s hand to babble about her new classmates as they travel on the train to their apartment. Jim hopes he’s saying the right things back to her - she seems to be engaged at the very least, and Ben and Hikaru aren’t giving him any disapproving glances yet.

Their home is a small but cozy space. Ben makes last-minute adjustments to the guest bedroom as Hikaru helps Jim unpack his things.

“Oh, god.” A pair of handcuffs dangle from Jim’s grasp. “Why did I pack this?”

“It’ll come in handy for the role play,” Hikaru says with a laugh. Jim can't tell if he’s being serious or not.

“Hikaru,” Ben says at the doorway with humor in his voice. “When you two are finished, come to the dining room.” Ben says something to Hikaru in what Jim thinks is Korean, then Jim watches Ben peck Hikaru on the lips before disappearing out the doorway. Hikaru hums as he continues to work, and Jim tries not to let his thoughts linger. It never ceases to amaze Jim how happy Hikaru looks. He never looked like that when he was dating Jim years ago.

Hikaru and Jim sit down to dinner with Ben and Demora. Something about the generous spread of homemade cooking makes Jim’s chest tight. “Thank you so much again for this,” Jim says.

“Stir-fry mushroom,” Demora says, clumsily serving Jim herself. “This one’s my favorite.”

Jim can’t help the wide, goofy grin spreading across his face. “Thank you, Demora. I love mushrooms.”

The cooking is absolutely incredible. Half of Jim wonders if Hikaru married Ben just for the cooking. He wouldn’t blame him if that was the case. The rest of dinner is surprisingly pleasant. Conversation flows easily and Jim finds himself relaxing from his initial tense stance. Demora finishes her meal, and after Hikaru prompts her to put her dishes in the sink, she runs off to play.

Apparently Jim’s a masochist because he finds himself asking Ben, “So how did you and Hikaru meet?”

Ben and Hikaru look at each other. “The park,” Ben says. “Right?”

“I saw him painting at a pond and feeding the ducks,” Hikaru says. “It took me weeks to work up the courage to ask him for coffee.”

Ben’s voice is teasing. “And then this brave, brave Starfleet officer walks over stumbling over his words and I have no idea what’s going on.”

“He had a little smudge of paint on one cheek,” Hikaru told Jim. “How was I able to talk coherent sentences looking at that face?”

Realization dawns on Jim. “Those paintings in the hallway, are those all yours?”

Ben smiles, a faint blush on his cheeks. “They are. Some are commissioned pieces for stationary and other printed media, but most of them are just for me and the family.”

“Oh my god. They’re really gorgeous, Ben.”

Ben is still bashful. “Thank you.” He suddenly stands from the table. “Which reminds me, I have something for you.” Ben retrieves something from his bag and holds it out to Jim. Jim accepts the piece of paper from Ben and stares at a simple but elegant caricature drawn in rich black ink.

“This is me and Demora,” Jim says in disbelief.

“It is,” Ben laughs. “I doodled it during our train ride while you two were distracted.”

“Ben, how - it’s so beautiful.” Jim tears his gaze from the drawing to look back at Ben. “Thank you so much.” Jim doesn’t know where to put the precious piece of paper. It seems like lying it down on any surface would have the potential to tarnish its integrity.

A sudden deafening explosion shakes the walls and there’s a shrill scream. “ _Demora_ ,” Hikaru and Jim cry at the same time, simultaneously leaping to their feet. Demora’s running into the kitchen and straight into Hikaru arms.

Hikaru strokes her hair and checks her face. “Are you hurt?” Demora shakes her head, crying into Hikaru’s shirt.

Jim boldly strides forward with phaser drawn and aimed. “It came from the direction of the guest bedroom.” He pushes open the door and stares at a gaping hole in the ceiling. The window is completely shattered and there is rubble strewn about, dusting every inch of the room, including his suitcase.

Hikaru is right behind him, peeking over his shoulder. “Uh, okay. That’s really weird.”

“Hikaru,” Ben scowls. “What did I say about phasers in the house? You are not exempt either, Mr. Kirk.”

“Ben,” Jim protests.

“Something was just trying to kill us,” Hikaru agrees, but he lowers his own phaser.

Ben looks around, holding Demora in his arms. “Looks like the damage was contained to this room. I’ll call the landlord.”

Three hours later, it’s determined that the source of the destruction was a broken pipe and a rapid increase in pressure. There won’t be anyone coming to repair the damage until tomorrow.

“We’re so sorry about this,” Ben sighs.

“It’s not even your fault, c’mon.” Jim looks at the ruined room and floor. “It’s not a big deal. I can go back to the _Enterprise_.”

Hikaru pauses. “Isn’t tonight the night they’re testing all the alarms?”

 _Fuck._ Jim checks the date on his comm and resists the urge to curse aloud because Demora’s still there. The multi-alarm test that accompanies each repair is necessary but long and annoying as hell, which is why they usually try to do it on the first night of shore leave when most of the crewmates have left the ship. “I could find a hotel.”

“Stay in our bedroom,” Ben suddenly says.

“We have a couch bed you can sleep on in there,” Hikaru adds before Jim can go into full-blown bewilderment. “It was the only room our biggest couch would fit in. You don’t mind, right, Ben?”

Ben tilts his head. “I already prepared breakfast for tomorrow, Jim. Stay.”

Jim’s emotions are turbulent. He should do the most obvious, logical thing and politely decline sleeping in the same room as his ex and his ex’s husband, both of whom he’s perpetually in the process of sorting his feelings for.

Jim finds his mouth saying, “Yeah, I don’t mind at all if you don’t. Thank you so much.”

Ben helps Demora shower and Hikaru does the dishes while Jim slowly prepares for bed. Jim dares enter the bedroom and looks around the dimly lit space. His long-sleeved shirt feels claustrophobic - he usually sleeps with his shirt off, but he doesn’t dare remove any more clothing in this environment. The couch bed is carefully made up on the far side of the wall and Jim slips under the covers, feeling the weight of the blanket and its clean smell. The room is a comfortable temperature separate from the main areas of the house. There’s an unfamiliar but not unwelcome absence of hums of deep space generators.

Jim is already half asleep by the time he hears more people entering the room. He’s facing away so he can only hear soft voices, the ruffle of blankets.

“Goodnight, hon,” someone says softly.

“Goodnight. Jim? Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Jim whispers.

The room falls silent after that.

Jim wakes with a hoarse scream. His chest heaves as he takes in his dark surroundings, slowly remembering where he is.

“Jim?” Ben’s voice is gentle as he gets out of bed.

“Shit. I’m so sorry for waking you,” Jim stammers as Ben sits down on the couch right next to him.

“Lights at twenty percent,” Ben says, and Jim makes a noise in the back of his throat as he realizes how close Ben is sitting next to him.

“Hikaru,” Jim says, heart in his throat. “Don’t wake him up.”

Ben gestures at the bed. “Look at him. He’s a deep sleeper. He’s not gonna wake up.” Sure enough, Sulu is still snoring.

Jim’s eyes flit to the bedroom door. “Demora?”

“We got our bedroom soundproofed,” Ben explains. “Before we had Demora.”

“Oh.” Sulu's offhand comment earlier about roleplay flies into Jim's mind, and he feels his face heating up.

Ben laughs. “I mean, the sex is another reason why, but not the main reason. It was because of me. I used to have really bad night terrors. That’s why I know Hikaru won’t wake up. I did the same thing, woke up screaming, and Hikaru never moved an inch.”

Jim shakes his head. “I’m sorry to hear you have night terrors, too.”

Ben sighs. “Thankfully, I don't have them as often anymore. Do you want to share with me? What happened to you.”

“That’s - that’s really nice of you, um, but I couldn’t burden you with it.” Not to mention almost all the information is highly classified, never to be revealed to the public. “Something happened to me, and I’ve never been the same after it.”

It had been a vivid dream of the exact thing that had happened. Jim was trapped in the radioactive reactor chamber after realigning the warp core. Everything had felt like it was on fire, bubbling with no escape. And Jim had a sudden realization he was facing his impending mortality. He knew he was about to die within seconds.

He had never been so scared in his life.

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” Ben’s voice breaks through Jim’s thoughts.

Jim chokes, hot tears flooding to his eyes, and a drop escapes onto his wrist before he can avert his face. His voice trembles. “Shit, this is embarrassing.”

“Nonsense,” Ben says in that gentle voice. “Is it okay if I hug you, Jim?”

Jim doesn’t remember if he nodded, but he finds his face pressed to a solid shoulder and his body against Ben’s broad chest and soft warm stomach. Jim grasps at Ben’s shirt, his body shaking as he holds in his silent sobs. One of Ben’s arms wrap around Jim’s back, and Jim mentally clings to it like a lifeline in a terrifying, blank abyss.

After breakfast the next morning, Hikaru takes Demora and Jim to the park. Demora laughs and skips between them, but Jim is still subdued as he has been the entire morning. He had woken up with a clear head and the deepest embarrassment for what had happened the night before. Jim had been hyper aware of Ben and Hikaru in his vicinity all morning, and he had found himself staring at Ben's dimple whenever Ben smiled. Jim still hasn’t thanked Ben for his kindness - he’s too morbidly ashamed to bring it up again.

Jim had already been familiar with Ben’s thoughtfulness, but even more so now does Jim understand why Hikaru married him. Sure, Jim feels that guilty resentment because Ben took Hikaru from him, but whenever he thinks of Ben he also feels - something. Probably something that would be a bad idea to explore.

Jim and Hikaru approach the playground, and apparently Demora is friends with some of the kids because she recognizes them immediately and calls them by name. Hikaru introduces Jim to some of the other parents. They are friendly with Hikaru, but they all have that same awestruck expression from meeting the famous captain of the _Enterprise._ Jim keeps his interaction polite but distant. Hikaru teases him about it sometimes, he calls it the ‘captain’s persona’.

Hikaru and Jim end up tossing a softball back and forth while watching Demora in the periphery of their vision. Jim isn’t keeping track of the ball very well. He’s distracted by looking at the man he used to be intimate with, someone who had every right to abandon Jim after the ways Jim neglected his needs, yet remained his friend.

“Hikaru?”

“Yeah?”

Jim clutches the softball to his chest. “Does Ben know we dated?”

One of Hikaru’s eyebrows goes up. “Yeah. Why?”

Jim pauses. Hikaru and Ben can’t ever know how Jim feels about them. Too many questions leads to too many answers, which leads to knowledge better left unsaid. Denial is easier on the mind.

“Just curious,” Jim finally says, tossing the ball back. “He really is an amazing person.”

“Strong and silent type,” Hikaru laughs. “Not something you’d be familiar with, I guess.”

Jim smirks back. “They say it's the quiet ones you need to watch out for.”

Hikaru tosses the softball at him. “Nah. Spend enough time with Ben, Jim, and you'll know what's on the outside is exactly what's on the inside. He's never raised his voice at me once.”

“That’s not possible,” Jim says under his breath.

Hikaru’s smile fades. “Oh, Jim.”

Jim hadn’t expected Hikaru to hear him. He wants to laugh it off, but that’s been his reality - Jim’s only known _loud, scary, constantly moving_. Quiet? You can't trust someone like that. If Jim’s being honest with himself, he’d say he’s intimidated by the air of peace and quiet that surrounds Ben. Like Jim’s unconsciously bracing himself for Ben to suddenly blow up. At him, specifically.

Hours pass, and Demora still wants to play but it’s time to go back for dinner. Hikaru and Demora walk together while Jim trails a little behind them. Demora giggles. “ _Chichi_ , can Mister Kirk hold me?”

Hikaru glances at Jim, who tries to convey through his facial muscles that it would be a very bad idea for Hikaru to allow Jim to hold a fragile young small child. “C’mere, Demora.” Hikaru hoists her up easily. “Jim, catch!”

Jim’s only able to catch her from his quick reflexes. “ _Hikaru_ ,” Jim cries, but Demora’s safely in Jim’s arms, she's shrieking with laughter and hugging Jim and asking him to toss her again. Jim’s heart is still beating like crazy. He attempts to let Demora down but she clings to Jim’s neck like a monkey.

Now that Jim’s holding her, it’s not nearly as daunting as Jim had thought. Demora holds securely onto him, and Jim carries her weight with ease. Jim feels Demora growing sleepier in his arms, exhausted from her play, and a feeling of protectiveness swells. They’ve reached the street to the apartment. Jim turns towards Hikaru, keeping his voice low. “Why did you _do_ that?”

Hikaru says simply, “I trust you, Jim.”

Jim is speechless. Hikaru strokes his hand through Demora’s hair. “Seriously. I would’ve never done that if I didn’t think you could catch her.”

Hikaru shouldn’t trust him. Even now, Jim’s lying to him about his true feelings for him. For Ben. How he wants to get closer to them and Demora despite not knowing what it would do to the perfect relationship they already had.

Demora perks up the moment she hears Ben’s voice inside their house. She’s still waking up, but she wants to tell him about everything she and her friends did at the park.

Ben’s exhaustion is palpable on his face despite how brightly he speaks to Demora. “I’m sorry I don’t have food yet. I was preoccupied with the repairman all day, but thankfully the guest bedroom is fully restored. Should we replicate something?”

“Tell Jim to make dinner, Ben.” Hikaru’s eyes glint. “He makes an amazing fish curry.”

Ben perks up and looks at Jim. “Hikaru’s told me your cooking skills are well-known aboard the ship.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Jim says good-naturedly. “I’d love to make you dinner, though.”

Most of the necessary ingredients are already in the refrigerator. The kitchen is soon filled with the fragrances of freshly synthesized herbs and spices. Jim opens and closes cabinets and Ben notices. “What are you looking for?”

“Pepper? Black pepper.”

Jim stills as Ben reaches over his shoulder from behind, radiating warmth into the skin of his back. “Right here,” Ben says cheerfully.

Jim takes the pepper grinder from Ben, unable to look him in the eye. “Thanks.” Jim tries very, very hard not to think about how Ben is just the right height to rest his chin on Jim’s shoulder.

Demora is singing something that Jim doesn’t understand at all when they sit down to eat, and Hikaru laughs and explains that it’s a song about fish and the ocean. She picks out the chunks of tomatoes from the fish curry but cleans everything else off her plate, even the onions, which Jim doesn’t understand at all. Then she asks for more rice.

“We’re going to need you to cook every night for us,” Ben jokes. Jim just smiles with relief. He’s glad everyone enjoyed the meal.

It’s Hikaru’s turn to help Demora for bed, and Ben pushes Jim out of the kitchen - since he cooked, it’s only fair that Ben does the dishes. Jim slowly walks down the length of the hallway. Hikaru and Ben’s bedroom door is wide open, showing the couch bed just as Jim had left it, soft and inviting.

Jim sleeps in the guest bedroom that night.

The rest of shore leave goes by in the blink of an eye. Sometimes it’s excursions outside with Demora, or it’s idyllic moments spent in the house. It’s strange always hearing some sort of activity within earshot, soft conversation or the clanking of pots, but it’s not an unpleasant strange.

Jim doesn’t know if it’s his wishful thinking, but it seems like the space between him and Hikaru and Ben is slowly diminishing. Hikaru’s always been a touchy person even with his crewmates, giving friendly pats and side hugs, but Ben’s touches also get bolder. He’s tall enough to easily run his hand down the back of Jim’s hair, and Jim’s heart jumps to his throat whenever he does it.

Every night when Jim closes his eyes in the guest bedroom, he thinks about the warmth of Hikaru and Ben’s bedroom and hearing them breathe as he fell asleep.

It’s the last day of shore leave and Jim sits down to breakfast with everyone. Immediately he picks up on the atmosphere from Hikaru and Ben - something’s different, and Jim can’t tell if it’s good or bad yet. Demora babbles to Jim, oblivious, and Jim tries to keep his attention diverted towards her but Jim can sense Hikaru and Ben definitely want to tell him something.

All Jim can think of was when he was four years old and his mom sat him at the kitchen table. She sat across from him and told him she’d be leaving for a while. She never came back.

Then Jim remembers sitting at a table in a conference room across two stern-faced Vulcans. They had shared the news that Ambassador Spock had passed away from his broken bond. A man that had shown Jim a reckless, unequivocal faith. Jim had loved that fucking old man and he’d never had the chance to tell him.

Hikaru and Ben’s stance eerily replicates Jim’s memories. Jim doesn’t want to hear what they’ve prepared to say. He’s not ready. He’ll never be ready.

Jim gets up with comm in hand before Hikaru and Ben are even half-done with their food. “Sorry, I need to take this,” he lies and hurries to the guest bedroom. He closes the door and stuffs all of his belongings into his suitcase and zips it up. Once he’s put on his uniform, he informs Hikaru and Ben that he needs to get back to the _Enterprise_ for urgent business.

Demora cries openly during the hasty farewell, but not nearly as much as Jim had anticipated. She was probably already used to it from Hikaru. That’s gotta suck. Jim hugs her tight before taking his suitcase and fleeing before he has any chance to tarnish the integrity of their perfect home.

The normalcy of being back aboard the _Enterprise_ isn’t enough to distract Jim from thinking about Hikaru and Ben. Jim makes a point to avoid ever being alone with Hikaru. If Hikaru’s noticed Jim is avoiding him, he hasn’t mentioned anything about it. Jim’s suitcase is still sitting in the corner of his bedroom, untouched and unopened.

Jim anticipates the fierce ache of missing them will diminish with time, like it has for everyone else. When it doesn’t, that’s when he starts worrying.

There’s an uninhabited planet to explore, and Jim beams down with the landing party. It’s the first time in a while that he’s gone exploring on a planet with Hikaru in the landing party with him, and Jim secretly watches Hikaru laugh with one of the science cadets.

The relatively large group splits up, and Jim finds himself with Hikaru and the cadet he had been talking to. Jim glances behind him. He doesn’t want to be isolated with Hikaru like this, but leaving just Hikaru and the cadet seems unsafe.

The cadet examines a large bundle of leaves at the bank of a creek, keeping a wide berth as Hikaru looks up at what appears to be a towering tree trunk.

The cracking branch falls so suddenly, they don’t have time to run. Jim manages to lunge in front of the cadet as she yelps, and the large branch plunges into the liquid of the creek, splashing water in every direction.

Jim is completely soaked, and the cadet and Hikaru have gotten drenched as well. The sudden disturbance has broken several of the leaf bundles, and bright spores have been scattered into the air, going everywhere and sticking to their wet clothing.

The effect is instantaneous. Jim hears commotion approaching as the others in the landing party come to rescue them, but he doesn’t care. Someone grabs his arm, one of the security officers, and Jim knows he’s in for a bad time because he barely knows this security officer but he’d like nothing more than to press skin to skin against him until they’ve both orgasmed, preferably several times.

“Fucking hell,” Jim wheezes, and then the sound of the transporter whines in his ears.

Bones tries his best to examine Jim as non-intrusively as possible, but every touch to Jim’s flesh screams. It’s too much contact and not enough all at once. He can feel his erection straining at his pants, uncomfortably chafing at the fabric.

After a thorough decontamination that does nothing to help the itch in every ounce of Jim’s body, Bones leads him into a quarantine room and sits him down on the sterile bed. “The cadet isn’t human and isn’t showing any signs of reaction, so it’s just you and Sulu.” Bones backs out. “We just need to finish up the analysis. I’ll be back as soon as possible, promise.”

The few hours that Bones is gone is agony. Jim caves and lubes a dildo to try and desperately quench the gnawing thirst. After his second orgasm, his erection doesn’t bother him as much as before but he’s still hard and aching with lust. Bones rings the bell, and Jim groans and buries himself under his blankets before indicating he’s decent and Bones can come in.

Bones strides in holding a PADD. “Jim, bad news. The only other horny plant with similar biological readings to this one is that seacorn mint that we encountered on that fuck temple planet.”

“Oh, fucking hell.” Jim squeezes his eyes shut. “That’s the only one that requires sex with another sentient being for the effects to abate?”

“That’s the one.” Bones pauses. “He wants to talk to you, Jim.”

Jim can’t help the noise that escapes his throat. Bones huffs. “Logically, it’s the most efficient option.”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Spock,” Jim grumbles.

Bones keeps his voice soft. “It’ll be fine, Jim. The spores haven’t affected Sulu as much as they have you, but he shouldn’t have to suffer until he can get to his husband again. You can do that much for him as his captain, right?”

Jim could laugh. Yeah, his captain, responsibility and all that shit. If only Jim could regard Hikaru as only a fellow crewmate. God.

Jim finds the medical tunic he had tossed aside and puts it back on. He allows Bones to guide him to another quarantine chamber. He can feel his heart pounding in his ears, and he’s pretty sure it’s only partially the effects of the spores.

Bones puts his hand on the doorway. “It’ll be fine, Jim. You already know the computer is passively monitoring you both. Anything happens that you don’t want, we can get you out. We got you.”

“Thanks, Bones.” Jim’s voice is tight. “Yeah, let’s get this over with and pretend it never happened.”

Jim squares his shoulders and walks in as the quarantine door slams shut behind him. Hikaru is sitting on the bed with the tunic loosely draped around his muscular frame. He, quite unfairly, looks very well put together and not desperate for sex like Jim is. There’s a small furrow of concern between his eyebrows as Jim approaches, and he holds out his arms.

The gesture makes Jim lose his head. He roughly pins Hikaru’s shoulders down to the mattress and shamelessly grinds down against his groin. Hikaru’s mouth falls open and his hips push upwards to meet Jim’s movements.

The motion makes Jim freeze. Now that he has Hikaru in his grasp and can smell his scent and feel his warmth, Jim realizes this isn’t going to work. Jim shakes his head. “No. I can’t.”

“It’s just a little sex, Jim. Ben will understand.”

Only it’s not, because if Jim allows himself to have sex with Hikaru now, he’d be lying not only to Hikaru but also to himself. He couldn’t betray Hikaru like this. Not anymore. Jim doesn’t know how to handle this other than being upfront with the truth. He squeezes his eyes shut. “I'm sorry, Hikaru. I still love you and - and I might have a thing for Ben, too.”

The silence is deafening. Jim forces his mouth to keep moving. “What you have together with Demora is already perfect. I can't let myself ruin all of that.”

Jim can’t help gasping aloud as a hand comes up to cup his chin, rubbing at his parted lips with a thumb. Jim looks down and the expression on Hikaru’s face is a perplexing mix of affection, exasperation - amusement?

“We were going to tell you together, Jim, fuck.” Hikaru slips his thumb to touch the tip of Jim’s tongue and the surge of lust nearly blinds Jim to the current situation. “You ran off the moment you could sense us getting ready to tell you, so we thought you weren’t ready yet.”

“What?” Jim manages to say around Hikaru’s finger.

Hikaru removes his thumb and lets his hand fall to the mattress. “A few weeks before shore leave, I confessed to Ben that I’d had, uh, a wet dream about you. Ben was curious to see where things went.”

Jim thinks about how tenderly Ben had hugged him after his nightmare. “No way.”

Sulu snorts and his voice becomes very soft. “What do you think we were trying to do at Yorktown? We both like you a lot, Jim, and we were trying to let you know.”

Jim buries his face against Hikaru’s throat. “Hikaru - god. Does Ben know? About this?”

“He’s deafened with the camera off, but he’s right here.” Hikaru points to his vidscreen.

Jim’s heart rate spikes. “Oh. Yes. That’s - yes.”

Sulu presses his lips to Jim’s cheek. “Wanted permission from you before he could hear us.” He squirms a little from under Jim to reach the vidscreen settings, and Ben materializes onscreen. He’s sitting on his bed wearing that stupidly attractive grey pajama shirt that shows a hint of his chest hair at the collar.

“I always thought you looked really hot in that shirt,” Jim whispers because apparently now he can say things like that aloud now.

Ben’s smile widens, and then his eyes travel from Jim to where Hikaru is pinned under him. “Yeah, Hikaru?”

Hikaru’s arms wind around Jim’s waist as he grins back at the screen. “Got ‘im.”

“Oh my god.” Ben laughs. “You could’ve scared him off, honey, I would’ve been so mad at you if you did.”

“But I didn’t,” Hikaru shoots back, running his hand through Jim’s hair. “I’m just that good.”

Ben’s voice is still fond. “Jim, I already told Hikaru this, but Demora’s having a sleepover with her friend and my bedroom door is closed. You’re safe with us, but I’ll disconnect the call right away if you want privacy.”

“No,” Jim says. His blush is burning his face up, but he slowly sits up and slips out of his hospital tunic, exposing his entire body to the tepid air. Ben makes a happy noise and Jim thinks he might combust on the spot from everything that has happened all at once.

Hikaru must notice, because he drags Jim’s face down with two hands. “Easy,” he murmurs before giving Jim a languid kiss. “Relax for me.”

The remaining thread of Jim’s thought processes still holding onto lucidity feels terrible because Jim’s kisses are sloppy with no finesse, desperate to taste Hikaru’s mouth. Before they have time to find a rhythm, Jim’s hands find the space between Hikaru’s tunic and his skin. Hikaru makes a rough sound into his mouth as Jim tweaks his nipple hard. Jim remembers they were sensitive, and that doesn’t seem to have changed.

Hikaru helps Jim as he pulls off the rest of the tunic, and Jim is frozen for a moment because he realizes he’d never forgotten this body with moles scattered across the skin, memorized like constellations. Hikaru’s thumbs rub the crease of Jim’s thighs as he parts his legs slightly. “In me?” Jim looks at Ben, but Ben is still smiling affectionately at them and Hikaru looks gorgeous and flushed under him.

“Please,” Jim says. “Do you - lube? Prep?”

Hikaru raises an eyebrow and leans back further, giving Jim a clear view of the base of the butt plug inside of him.

“Hikaru, you’re going to fucking kill me.” Hikaru gasps as Jim removes the plug holding him open and hoists his legs around Jim’s torso.

“That’s such a terrible angle.” Ben says. “Move to the left.”

Hikaru snorts and flails a hand for the vidscreen to try and adjust it. Jim doesn’t have any patience left. He pushes into Hikaru, groaning at how tight he is around him, and Hikaru nearly arches off the mattress. “ _Fuck,_ Jim. Wait a sec.”

Jim’s thighs tremble with restraint as Hikaru moves the vidscreen. The moment he lets go, Jim pushes into him again, chasing the delicious friction. Hikaru shudders as Jim changes the angle of his hips and his thrusts become unsteady. Ben chuckles. “How is it, Hikaru?”

Hikaru kisses Jim again. “Oh, I think we’re in for some fun times, honey.”

Jim pulls out of Hikaru and he makes a noise of surprise as Jim flips him over to his hands and knees. Jim pants as he ruts at the space between Hikaru’s parted thighs. “I’m sorry, it’s not going to be pleasant. I’m sorry.”

Hikaru tilts his hips. “I’m not made of glass, Jim. Fuck me like you mean it.”

Jim enters Hikaru again all at once, and both groan from the sensation. Jim feels a bead of sweat drip from his nose and watches it drop onto Hikaru’s back, but he doesn’t stop his frenzied movement. Hikaru loses balance and his chest is being driven into the mattress but Jim doesn’t relent. “ _Fuck_ ,” Hikaru gasps and Jim feels him contract around his cock. Jim grits his teeth and continues to thrust into tight hot wetness. Hikaru grips at the sheets. “Are you close?”

“I think so - just need more-” Jim stops mid-sentence as Hikaru lies down on the mattress and tilts his hips up. Jim chokes on a whimper and presses his chest down to Hikaru’s back, driving his hips down into Hikaru and relishing the bitten-off moans vibrating from Hikaru’s throat. Jim sees a flicker of movement of Ben from the vidscreen and his orgasm takes over his senses, peaking and trembling and shimmering in a way Jim’s never felt before.

Jim rolls next to Hikaru and feels his arms wrap around his body. Jim nuzzles at Hikaru’s neck, still slightly dazed. There’s a love bite there, rosy and prominent. Jim doesn’t remember giving it to him. The itching lust is gone. Jim hears Hikaru’s voice next to his ear. “C’mon, get under the covers. You’re gonna be cold soon.”

“Mmmh.” Jim squirms in discomfort.

“Oh my god, you _and_ Ben. No coherent thoughts after coming.”

Jim blinks up at the vidscreen where Ben is watching with bright eyes. He’s still fully clothed, and the sight makes the delightful haze dissipate slightly. Jim frowns a bit. “You’re not going to join us?”

“Oh,” Ben laughs. “Maybe another day, if I’m in the mood. But I’d prefer if you were in person. The camera isn’t flattering and I’m not as, as attractive as you two. You both look like movie stars. My stomach’s been coming out lately.”

Jim scowls. “Excuse you, I like that stomach.”

Ben laughs with the loveliest blush. “Well, I’m glad to hear that.” Ben leans closer to the screen. “Can’t wait to hug you again, Jim. Demora talks about you, too. She says she misses you.”

Something about hearing that flicks a switch in Jim’s mind. For the first time, he’s truly aware of Hikaru, naked at his side with his arms around him. Jim looks from Hikaru to Ben with a tight throat. It’s not a one-time thing, this is real. Shit.

Jim works his throat. “Yeah. I miss you both, too.”

Ben turns to Hikaru. “Have fun, but save some for me?”

Hikaru yawns. “I think right now, I’d like nothing more than to sleep.”

“Uh, no. We’re cleaning off first, sonic shower at the very minimum.” Jim gets out of bed.

“You and Ben,” Hikaru complains, but he gets up and follows Jim to the bathroom. Jim snorts. Marriage has definitely changed him - he never would’ve gotten up before.

Jim’s counting down the days until their next shore leave. He’s never been this nervous for a day to arrive before, and the energy frequently manifests into spiraling anxiety. What if this was a mistake? What if the moment Jim and Hikaru and Ben are in physical proximity of each other, they realize that things won’t work out?

Every time Hikaru senses regret or hesitation, he immediately sits Jim down with him and video calls Ben. Both have an uncanny ability to gently force Jim into talking, into saying all those uncomfortable things he’d rather keep hidden. And when Jim finishes talking and looks up, Hikaru and Ben are still there and looking at him with as much affection as he holds for them.

It’s different, and for once, different isn’t so bad. Maybe Jim’s getting older.

The day of leave finally arrives, and Jim gives in to the desire to stand closer to Hikaru than he normally would when in his captain’s stance. Ben and Demora are waiting for them as the crewmates depart from the ship. Seeing how thrilled Demora is eases some of the tension in Jim’s stomach.

Jim had already decided with Hikaru and Ben to integrate Jim slowly into their dynamic with Demora and the public sphere, so Jim hangs back a little as Demora runs into Hikaru’s outstretched arms. When Jim watches Ben and Hikaru kiss, he couldn’t be happier. And isn’t that a weird feeling in and of itself? That Jim’s mind doesn’t instantly latch onto fear of not being included, of being set aside.

“Let’s go home,” Ben says, his eyes focused on Jim. So they go home - to Hikaru and Ben’s home. It’s the longest trip of Jim’s life, and all Jim can think about is how sweaty his palms are.

The door closes behind them and Demora drags Hikaru and Jim to her room to show them her recent progress on her school assignments. Jim is fascinated by how neat her writing on the PADD is. In comparison, his own handwriting looks like ‘chicken scratch’, as Bones puts it.

It’s only when they sit down to dinner together that Jim realizes how much he’s missed this, reminding Demora to chew and swallow between her ceaseless conversation, gazing at Hikaru and Ben from across the table and tasting the home-cooked food that can never quite fully be replicated through anything on the ship.

Hikaru gets Demora ready for bed, and Jim takes his time showering and changing before he walks past the guest bedroom and cautiously approaches Hikaru and Ben’s darkened bedroom.

The couch bed is folded upright. Ben is standing next to their bed as if he’d been waiting for Jim to walk in. He holds out his hands with a hopeful expression. Jim presses his face to Ben’s shoulder and wraps his arms around Ben’s solid waist. He feels Ben’s arms tighten around his back and wants to melt. It’s so much better than he’d imagined it could be.

“Jim?” Jim tilts his head a little to see Hikaru at the doorway. Instinctively, Jim finds himself trying to break free from Ben’s embrace.

Ben’s arms squeeze around him and Jim wheezes as he is crushed against Ben’s chest. “Hikaru, get the handcuffs,” Ben jokes. Jim laughs, but then he sees the very real tension that belies Ben’s warm gaze. He’s really afraid Jim will bolt.

With hesitation still fluttering in his chest, Jim tilts his head and presses a lingering kiss to Ben’s warm, full lips. The pleased smile that lights up his face melts through Jim’s entire body, making his fingertips tingle.

Hikaru pats on the bed. “Ben, Jim and I want you in the middle. I’ll be back right after I shower, yeah?”

Ben purses his lips, looking at Jim with a faint blush growing on his cheeks. “You sure you don’t want middle tonight, Jim?”

“We have plenty of nights to swap, Ben.” Jim waits for Ben to slip under the covers first, then joins him in the soft, enveloping warmth. “Uh, question. I’ve been sleeping shirtless with Hikaru because usually I sleep without a shirt, but is that alright with you?”

Ben feigns impatience. “Hurry up and lose the shirt already.” Jim laughs breathlessly and pulls off his tee before lying back down next to Ben, who tugs Jim closer. His hair smells faintly of shampoo and turpentine. 

Jim is close to falling asleep when he sees the bathroom light click off and the mattress moves slightly as another weight is added to it. Jim sleepily turns his head. “I’ll make breakfast tomorrow. What do you want?”

“I want rice,” Hikaru says.

Ben pulls the comforter closer to his chin. “But I bought strawberries for Demora yesterday.”

“Rice,” Hikaru mutters.

Jim smiles. “We could eat the strawberries as a snack later in the day. Or make a cake with Demora. We’ll make it work out.”

Ben hums. “Sounds good. Goodnight, hon. Goodnight, Jim.”

“Goodnight, you two.”

“Night, Hikaru. Goodnight, Ben.” Jim relaxes further into his pillow and envisions what breakfast with Demora will look like tomorrow. Maybe Jim won’t openly get to hug or kiss Ben and Hikaru at the stove or kitchen table, but that’s alright. They’ll take it slow. There’s no need to rush. Jim’s not going to lose his chance at finding peace if he waits. It’s already here, and it already belongs to him.


End file.
